I think we all know who this page is dedicated 4.I hope like the jokes.If u get any new 1's contact me by email at firstname.lastname@example.org or just tell me.
The Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on liquor bottles to warn drinkers of the hazards of over-imbibimg.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be Thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . "
"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."
"No sports talk...That's how fights start in bars." the barman said.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Good. Go f*ck yourself."
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache,smelling of booze, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You got drunk, You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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Signs U May Be Drinking 2 Much
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
19. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20. Roseanne looks good.
21. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23. Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24."I'm as jober as a sudge."
25. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
Treat Ur Wife
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."
The bartender replies "I'll tell you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little difficulty with you."
"Such as?" asks the man.
"Do you ever go down on her?"
The man replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"
"I'd get over it if I were you," replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."
"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"
Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response is incredible!
Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.
"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says, "but be quick! I've got an emergency!"
"Shut up you damn drunk," she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"